the decision

Sometimes, I treat life like a Choose Your Own Adventure novel. Before I make a decision, every inch of me wants to know what’s going to happen as a result of it. And the safety of being able to turn back a few pages and choose another path doesn’t hurt either.

The past year (eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek has it really been that long???!?!? yikes, definitely need to work on this whole life-changing decision-making thing) of my blog as it relates to school has pretty much consisted of the following:

a) me not feeling right in DC
b) me becoming disenchanted with academia

bb. hey, maybe i shoudn’t be here…

c) me realizing that, hey, the disenchantment part of disenchantment actually does exist and it’s formerly known as heartbreak.
d) OH MY GOSH I’M HEARTBROKEN.
e) still heartbroken

ee. hey, maybe i shoudn’t be here…

f) *tear*
g) okay i’m going home to LA for the summer.
h) DC friends: are you coming back?? me: yeah! wait, i don’t know. maybe. yeah.
i) me: am i going back???
j) ??????????????
k) ??
l) ?
m) *is reminded of factors that bring me to mm.*

mm. hey, maybe i shoudn’t be there…

n) i shouldn’t be there.

I’ve tried to fight this decision in literally every way possible. You can find the highlight reel of that, well, in the archives of this blog. Haha.

I’ve denied how I felt (bad idea), tried to understand why my heart was breaking (not so bad, but… didn’t help initially in the decision-making), decided not to make a decision (being indecisive does not help), made a decision, changed my mind, changed it again, and again, and again.

I could tell you about the time when I was asked about going back to school and I literally went back to my computer and started to cry. I could tell you about how scared I was am at the prospect of not going back next semester. OR about how even more afraid I was of going back and having a similar (or worse) semester than the last. But I think I’ll leave it at this: I couldn’t imagine myself there and not wanting to be back here. Even though I don’t know exactly what life here in LA (or elsewhere) will look like yet. Even though I don’t know if living through the experience of last semester would make the next, better (and enough to make me finish my last year, now rather than later, possibly, never…). So I’m taking next semester off. Because I can. Because I want to. Because I need to.

I left out an important part of the list that… happened so early in the birth of this blog that I’m not sure it existed on these pages but was a reality nonetheless.

It goes at the very top of the list, even before letter a).

It’s this:

i) hey, i’m tired of school. i’m graduating from undergrad a year early. maybe i shouldn’t go to grad school. at least, right away. 

This is the truth. And the truth always, always comes out. It doesn’t like to be ignored. And it will chain you until you let it set you free. I learned this the hard way.

In this life, more often than not, we’ve been blessed to have options. And in this sense, life is like a Choose Your Own Adventure novel. You can always choose another path, and ready yourself as much as you can for the unpredictable and beautiful experiences to follow. Because, after all, it’s an adventure.

much love & many thanks to you for supporting me on mine,

paulina

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