the key to a happy heart
You know how sometimes you need to have those heart talks? Honest, heart-to-hearts with…yourself? I’ve made it a goal of mine to become intimately acquainted with my heart. To figure out what makes her happy.
I think that slowly she’s learning to trust me. I think my heart is happy to know that I’m not going to abandon her anymore. So, when I asked, she whispered to me. It’s amazing what you hear when you actually listen.
I realized three things on my walk yesterday morning:
I have a secret crush on steel grey;
I really want a vespa;
I don’t want to live in DC anymore.
The first two were amusing. That last one was a little scary. But it’s just about that time of the year when school is finished (yay, summer!) and I’m able to go home to Los Angeles for the next few months and just breathe. And work. Hard.
Thinking long-term, I realized that between Los Angeles and Washington DC I would much rather live in LA (sorry, east coast!!), and I will be booking there (or anywhere, really! I love to travel! ;)) this summer and afterward, and if I’m back in DC for school in the fall I would happily fly back to Los Angeles every weekend if it means I get to serve you and keep doing this thing that I love.
xxoo,
Paulina
the blog 
Big decisions are hard. But, I know what you mean about your heart. Your heart is with you always. Always – you will be together ~ and a sad or forlorn heart tinges everything with sorrow. I don’t mean in a HUGE, awful melancholy way; I mean that you feel as if you are withering and just existing rather than thriving and exuding hilarious happiness!! :0)
I lived in Beverly Hills for many years and, sometimes, I shut my eyes and go back in my mind and actually FEEL the warmth of the hot sun on my face and that happiness and peace that I felt…Then.
Now, I live in the rainiest of rainy states and (almost) drudge around until we are blessed again with a tidbit of sunshine sometime in the late Spring or early Summer. Then, I relish every (every) moment of that glorious warmth until she is gone again at the end of September (if we’re lucky!). I miss waking up and being…Happy. I miss driving around in the car with the windows down and the heat of the sunshine on my skin. I know what you mean. And, if you have family or even friends there, well, it would be a no-brainer for me cuz YOLO and Life is so short. Believe me, I know.
I have NO IDEA whatsoever how I became a half-century old and am amazed at how things turn out in life. Ask yourself this one question (it did it for me): “If I stay here (wherever that may be) and I end up falling in love with someone from here and we end up making our life “here” together, will I miss being home?” I don’t mean to be all wise and stuff because, truly, I don’t have the answers. But, this one question made me think and think for a long time. Someone said it to me over a cocktail on New Year’s Eve once and it stuck.
I really hope that whatever you choose, you are happy. Because, after all, after living all of these years and looking back — Happy… is what it’s ALL about. Really.
Best to you, always,
Shawn
Thank you so much for your kind words, Shawn. Really, they mean a lot to me. I love that you used YOLO! lol. But it’s so true: we only are given one life here on this earth, and it’s so important to make the most of it. I’m sorry that you miss the sunshine, but like you said, it makes it even more valuable to you when she is around. =). I describe myself as “currently engaged in a love affair with the sun,” so I understand how her radiance is warming and gives everything a beautiful glow. =)
I had to take some time to think about the question you proposed. I keep trying to convince myself to stay here and that I could be happy here. And then I feel guilty for wanting to leave. But, I think at the very least, spending the summer in Los Angeles would be good for me. Even though a part of me thinks I may stay longer than that, haha! But we’ll see. I suppose the only way to figure out what’s in the unknown is to live it out. Writing that reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by Rainer Maria Rilke:
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”
I know that I can’t mess up my life and have faith that everything will work out. On a vibrational level, ever since I decided to go home for summer I’ve been consistently seeing things occur in my life that support that decision. Even though I’ve been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster trying to sort things out, those things have shown up regardless of how I’m feeling and it’s almost been like a series of nudges affirming that I’m moving in the right direction. Which is pretty cool =).
<3,
Paulina